An Inconvenient Person

An inconvenient human

That is what I am.

I was my parents last child; their only child with each other.  I was a surprise, an after effect of over a decade of marriage and the feeling that there would be no child.  And then a higher being realized that my mother would need someone to look after her because she was to have Alzheimer’s disease and would need someone.  So the higher being decided that there would be an inconvenient human: me.

It has taken me a lot of years to learn a difficult lesson.  I have served my purpose, and now no one wants to spend even an hour dining with me.  I am somehow defective beyond that ability to shepherd an old woman through a few hazy years of a disease stripping away her life, finding caregivers who made her feel comfortable and perhaps more loved by those strangers than I have been in my entire life.

what family. they scatter like crows. 

Yes, this is hard to write.  Because it only in the last hour that I have realized that I must write this down.  It must be out of me, so that I can move forward into,…. the nothingness of a solitary existence.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?  That is the case.  No one thinks of me, and by “think” I mean invites me because they want to spend time with me.  I am an obligation more than a beloved.  That is more painful than it is a comfort.

If I am “strange” consider that I am all alone all of the time.  I have no conversations with other humans,  I converse only with myself.  And apparently others take an instant dislike to me, unobtrusive as I try to be.  The only conclusion is that I must be repulsive.  So I withdraw, a little at a time, from the world.  Because being alone and conversing with myself is less painful, less emotionally taxing for me… being with others has become exhausting. 

A word of warning: dare not be a single human, seeking friendship, or a mere hour or two of conversation.  Dare not ever think that others truly care at all, because the fact is that no one cares about anyone other than themselves.  Invite away, but no one answers, even the widest plea and months in advance. I never had a friend.

The most hurtful thing is looking back and realizing that, not only has it always been this way for me, but that it was always meant to be this way.

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Solitary is my confinement.

Watching the togetherness is my punishment.

I wish I knew why.

Never anyone’s best friend, 

though I thought they were mine.

Mother, pink floyd


Black Hole Sun

Black Hole Sun

Soundgarden

In my eyes, indisposed
In disguises no one knows
Hides the face, lies the snake
The sun in my disgrace
Boiling heat, summer stench
'Neath the black the sky looks dead
Call my name through the cream
And I'll hear you scream again

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come (won't you come)

Stuttering, cold and damp
Steal the warm wind tired friend
Times are gone for honest men
And sometimes far too long for snakes
In my shoes, a walking sleep
And my youth I pray to keep
Heaven sent hell away
No one sings like you anymore

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come (black hole sun, black hole sun)

Won't you come (black hole sun, black hole sun)
Won't you come (black hole sun, black hole sun)
Won't you come (black hole sun, black hole sun)

Hang my head, drown my fear
Till you all just disappear

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come

Songwriters: Chris Cornell

Black Hole Sun lyrics © BMG Rights Management

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dark side
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