bugs in the flour...and other foods....

Let's say it is the mid-1970s.... we are in a suburban, ranch-style home,... near Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.  It is summer time.  My niece, three weeks younger than I, is staying with us.  Gail Ann.  We watch Sesame Street several times a day,...it is on every 3 hours, more or less.... all day until evening. We ride bikes, and at some point for a week or longer, we go on a trip to visit relatives, and we go sightseeing.  That is all neither here, nor there, this story is about macaroni and cheese. 

At some point, previous to Gails arrival, we have discovered that there are some kind of bugs in flour and noodle products in our pantry.  The conversation with my mother was this:

"MOM! There are bugs in the flour! gross!!!"

"Oh dear. It's protein, just use it anyway." and some story about being a kid in the Depression.....eating whatever was available, because their dad was a farmer,...endless meals of turnips, some such,... (lima beans may have been mentioned).

and me thinking: 'is she kidding!?'

The flour was thrown into the trash.  That was all.  

Back to lunch: 

So, our second viewing of Sesame Street drawing to a close, and we were hungry, Gail and I.

"What can we eat?"

"Macaroni and cheese!"

"Cool."

and off we go to the pantry. .... We set a kettle of water to boil, and opened the mac and cheese package.  

"What is that!?"

I look into the box,.... "it's a flour bug."

Gail: "What do we do?"

So, I tell her the story about my mom saying that it's okay to eat it anyway, because the bugs are protein and they won't hurt us. 

"So, it's okay. Right?" 

Gail nods in assent, and we proceed to boil the noodles and bugs.... and add the butter, milk, and cheese powder, ....and stir that up real good.

And we dish it out, each taking a large portion into our bowls.  We head off to the living room to eat our mac and cheese.... and, looking at each other, we both put a spoonful of macaroni and cheese into our mouths....

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and spit it out again!! 

"OH! Gross!!! I cannot eat this! It has BUGS in it." We both proclaim,... and into the trash that mac and cheese goes....

Later, when we tell her about all of this, my Mother just smiles at us and walks away.....

I never did find out if she was serious about us actually eating the bugs....

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1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12..... 

Lord, I do miss Sesame Street as it was back then...........

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Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get?
How to get to Sesame Street

Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet
Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street

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in the heat of summer......

summers of my childhood, punctuated by the intonation of my best friend's ancient grandfather..... "well........welll......welll......." and that was all he ever said....

standing under what us kids called “the cigar tree” out near the road….. in the summer heat.

Catalpa (We called it "the cigar tree".)

everything in the yards is green and alive… birds sing and flutter about… it’s quiet, the only sound the wind soughing through the leaves of the many trees… a lot of oaks and maples….

The far off sound of the lake, waves lapping at the seawalls, around the piers, boats slap slapping as the waves fall away.  A boat tap, tapping, as it rocks gently against the dock.

Later we’ll go slide down the hill and sneak into the boathouse...there’s coke in the fridge, and we can share a bottle, if we can get the bottle cap off.  Then we’ll climb the steps and go out back and swing on the swings until dinner time.  Or, if it’s hot enough, we’ll get mom to fill the kiddie pool so we can splash in the water. 

And we can eat popsicles from the little store at the end of the road.

The catfish are biting,..guess what's for dinner..............

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Summer Days.....

this would amount to a memory my dad would appreciate....

Hot flashes, handkerchiefs, and fasting

I may be losing my mind. Five doctors later they are still trying to give me antidepressants, and I will always resist. The side effects alone will make you crazy.

See what I am saying? When I saw "strange dreams" I started to laugh. "Increased sweating" made me LAUGH OUT LOUD.... then my laugh became hysterical, loud, laughter,... out loud, where I could be heard by others.... Indeed.  I emailed my doctor: "I already have these symptoms, give me something else." 

Yeah, and by the way, I am NOT depressed. I am facing some harsh realities of life, that is all.... my problem is hot flashes (best described as 1,000 degrees). Not depression. But along the way, through the five doctors, and I have had other health issues and complaints, and every single one of these doctors has tried to give me anti-depressant medications.  But I digress......

Anyway, that is a NO to the antidepressants,... no "soma" for this woman.  

The Use of Soma to control society.....

I will not march, with the mindless masses, like lemmings off the edge of the cliff.  I have never been a follower.

-------------------

Anyway,....the best thing I have this year was to purchase some handkerchiefs.... mens hankies, in a package of multiples.... 13 handkerchiefs.  For the hot flashes,... because I am here to testify that you go from dry to soaking wet in 2.3 seconds.  I have stood at the counter of a convenience store while the clerk watched, amazed, as I went from dry to dripping quite rapidly.  I think I terrified him. (**smile)  Anyway, yes handkerchiefs, because bandanas are a bit flamboyant, and I ain't that eccentric...yet.  So, you may observe me, extracting a white handkerchief from my cleavage (what else is that space for?) and dabbing my forehead, eyes, and temples.... because that is preferable to the uncomfortable feeling of dripping sweat. 

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I have also found that I have some new habits that were neither planned, nor thought out,.... like fasting.  What I was trying to do was the keto diet (I wrote a blog about it a few months back)... and I failed at that.  But I have been trying to lose weight for a long time, and I am stubborn.  The result of all of this effort, the keto diet, and quitting most sugar intake, is that I have taught myself to pay more attention to whether my stomach wants to be fed. (Less attention to what my brain says would be good to eat.)  And I have stopped looking at the clock to tell if it is meal time.  

The result of this is that I eat small-ish snacks mostly between 6:00am and 2:00pm.  And perhaps a very light snack at 7:00pm.  I have reduced food intake to better match what is a mainly sedentary lifestyle.  I walk about a mile a day -to and from my car at work (in a very large manufacturing facility).... and climbing stairs, 13 steps about 14 to 18 times a day.  

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The other new habit is not a choice either, but when I sleep -I sleep like the dead. NOTHING wakes me up during the first 5 or 6 hours of sleep.  Thunder and lightning? nothing. The aforementioned hot flashes? nope.  My dreams are still crazy (see "strange dreams" above in the 'side effects' bit)..... my dreams, every night, would be nightmares for the majority of people.  But again, I digress..... Probably you could drown me in my sleep (wet from hot flashes made me think of this) and I would not waken....  If I knew my neighbors I would apologize for the morning alarm (at 3:45am) that gradually increases in volume until it wakes me up; except for the nights (mornings?) that I wake before the alarm sounds.  

One more thing: the early hour of the alarm notwithstanding: I HATE MORNING.  It does not matter if my morning begins at 3:45am or 10:00am --I will always HATE MORNING. have always hated morning....


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I want a new drug....

it's just song lyrics: I DO NOT want a drug at all.

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June is Alzheimer's month,... (I know something about this disease.)

Alzheimer's Disease. It's devastating. You do not want to witness this... a loved one, slipping away, slowly.  Watching someone lose the present,... they have only the past....  No one wants to be the person slipping away. 

Only a few,...the lucky ones, (is luck the right thing to call it?) they manage to not slip away entirely.... they remain present, and sadly aware of what is happening to them. Until....  they let go....  but remain in some kind of stunted reality.

I have seen those who cannot keep hold of reality.  I have listened to them. It is terrifying.... some seem to be trapped in a frightening and somewhat traumatic memory.  Reliving a nightmare over and over,...endlessly ranting.  Some rant themselves into a frenzy,...others simply repeat a scenario,....like they are rehearsing one part of a conversation, without the other side being heard from. Still others sit silent, seemingly mute.

My own mother. She held on to reality with all her might.  She kept it! she had that small victory, if it can be called that.  She asked what day it was,..she recognized time,..she understood where she was,... she knew the people she needed to know. A daughter, a friend, some nieces, stepdaughters, nephews,... the spouses of a few relatives.... her son.  Once or twice she got some relationships confused....   She was in a care facility.  I will not call it a nursing home,..they cared for this woman. They cared.

She told me that a "strange man" visited her.  That was a puzzlement for me.  He had not signed her calendar, so I had to figure it out with her. I asked her questions.... I stopped, I changed the subject, still thinking in my head: "who is a 'strange' man"..... finally it came to me,.... "Did the 'strange' man sing to you?"  
--"yes," she replied, "he was singing when he came into the room." she pointed to the door.
"That was Pastor B.!" I laughed, and she said, "Yes, that is who it was."  

But she was leaving. Ever so slowly, she was going away.  She could tell you anything you wanted to know about the past.... the longer ago, the clearer her memory seemed.


She lived at the care facility for longer than 2 years.  No, she did not want to be there, but she had agreed -- she needed to have more care than could be given in our home.  I could not be with her enough of the day, and I could not quit my job.  But every week I went, every Friday all day at first,... later every Saturday through lunch time.  I had to stay through lunch... the aide always came and asked me to stay through lunch,... broccoli - I was the only person who could get the woman to eat her broccoli..... (It still makes me chuckle.)

What I want to say is: Don't leave them! don't leave them alone.  Visit them regularly.  Find others to visit them too.  They need not stay long.  But it is a sad fact that people in nursing homes do not get enough visitors.  Please visit them.  Read them a story,... tell them a joke,.... ask them about some event from their past.  Engage. Engage.

This was what mother lived for.... the engagement she knew would come each and every week. 
The one time I could not visit her, I called everyone I knew would try.... and ALL of them visited her that weekend. Katherine. Jane. Bernie. Linda. other nieces,... her friends.... she missed her Sunday afternoon nap, because she was busy with visitors.  The next time I was going to miss the visit.... 
.... she went home with God's Angels the Wednesday before..... 


If you know someone with Alzheimer's Disease... visit them.... you needn't stay long. Just say their name to them. Just say, "Hello. I think of you. I know that you are here. I care."

just visit them

People talk. (brain damage/eclipse)

People talk.
They say things about "crazy" people.
Those who know a soul suffering from mental illness keep quiet.
Someone I love is suffering.
I am suffering.

I have screamed into the void.
And the void has remained silent.
I am all alone.
Those who are geographically near are deaf to pleas.
Few even try to help. Help. Help. Help.

Bereft.
Adrift.
Alone.
Darkness.
Silence.

you cannot know the depth of it

i am no longer able to be social

i have lost the ability to interact

interaction makes me so sad



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Wish You Were Here

Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
And how we found
The same old fears
Wish you were here

Songwriters: David Gilmour / Roger Waters

Wish You Were Here lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management US, LLC, Imagem Music Inc

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Dark Side Of The Moon

wikipedia: The_Dark_Side_of_the_Moon

I have become comfortably numb..........



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Brain Damage/Eclipse..... Pink Floy




"Brain Damage"

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path
The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon
The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

"I can't think of anything to say except...
I think it's marvellous! HaHaHa!"

written by Roger Waters

wikipedia: Brain_Damage_(song)  from the Pink Floyd album Dark Side Of The Moon





i might go away for a while.....


maybe i'll come home in the spring........








you do not understand.
it is all right. it's okay.
not to worry.



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my David Cassidy memorial weekend

This is a follow up to my God Bless David Cassidy blog (May 20, 2018).

At about 2:30pm on Friday, May 18, 2018 I got off of the Amtrak Lake Shore Limited train in Schenectady, New York.  A friend waited for me there.  Alicia. I have known her on the Internet for perhaps 12 years, maybe longer. Since I was getting off the train not far from where Alicia lives, we had a nice visit on Friday, and I stayed the night on her sofa. I was a fine time, sharing stories, and pizza.

On Saturday morning new friend Caren picked me up at Alicia's house and we headed for Saratoga Springs, some 20 miles up the highway, where 45 to 60 of us would gather together to celebrate the life of David Bruce Cassidy (April 12, 1950 - November 21, 2017) 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Cassidy

Arriving at a large hotel, in downtown Saratoga Springs, I finally met Susan C. the woman behind the "fans and friends" memorial bench, which can be found at the National Museum of Racing, in Saratoga Springs, New York. This woman collected contributions for the memorial for David Cassidy, reaching her goal amount quickly, and she worked tirelessly to find an appropriate place that would allow the fans who loved David to place a bench in his memory.  A place to remember David in a town he loved, in a museum dedicated to horses, with a statue of David's favorite horse (Secretariat) mere feet away.

And I met Linda, who put in a lot of hard work to make sure the celebration of David's life honored and memorialized him.  The party venue changed just days before the scheduled event and Linda found a new venue quickly.  Linda spent hours, over night, arranging a presentation around invited guests who knew David, and joined us to tell stories of their adventures with David Cassidy, and their wonderful memories of David.

On Saturday, May 19, 2018 at 5:00pm there was a Mass read at The Church of St. Peter in Saratoga Springs, NY for David Cassidy. It was a very nice service. Part of one of the Bible verses was about people gathering together from far and wide, much like David's fans, who came from as far as Belgium, Canada, Kansas, Texas, and California for this weekend that these fans dedicated to celebrating the memory of David Cassidy and his music.

In the evening a group of 12 fans gathered for dinner in Lake George at The Log Jam, one of David's favorite restaurants. Our waiter remembered waiting on David at other venues more than once in the past, and he was happy to tell us his memories of David. Many restaurant patrons stopped by our table to ask about our group, or to say that they, too, liked David's music, or had seen him in the area...they recognized a photo that we each had on the table....

a David Cassidy 'sign', each of us had one on our table at Log Jam

A great meal and some fellowship between David Cassidy fans from far and wide on a Saturday evening.

Sunday afternoon. David Cassidy fans from all over the world, more than 60 people, visited the courtyard, at the National Museum of Racing at 191 Union Avenue, Saratoga Springs, New York.
#nmrhof 

David's benches are in the newly dedicated Cornelius Vanderbilt Whitney Courtyard at
the National Museum of Racing and Hall of Fame #nmrhof

David's bench from his fans and friends.  #nmrhof

#nmrhof

At 5:30pm, Sunday, May 20, 2018 we gathered at  The Tap and Barrel, where a dj played a wide variety of David Cassidy songs and recordings.  There were speakers and a powerpoint presentation.  Good friends of David Cassidy in Saratoga Springs talked about David, and told some amusing and interesting anecdotes. Fans who met David Cassidy, and talked with him, told us their memories of David. There were a lot of photos of David. We also heard from and learned about a cause that was close to David's heart: The Thoroughbred Retirement Fund organization, which cares for, retrains (not for racing), or finds permanent homes for retired racehorses.

ThoroughbredRetirementFoundation on Facebook

Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation .org

After the private event (which was what I describe above) the doors were opened to the public, and the music was turned up, and the fans danced and sang along with recordings of David Cassidy singing. It was a lovely evening. David Cassidy was there.... were you there? did you feel his presence?


I Can Feel Your Heartbeat







God Bless David Cassidy

God Bless David Cassidy

For a long time in the early morning a woman stood at the head of the railcar. She seemed to be surveying the people on this car. She stood, looking a bit stern. Our eyes met, she looked past me rather quickly. She is standing because we have all been sitting or trying to lay down –and sleep, for 10 hours. 

Yes, this is my first trip by rail long distance.  I have ridden many commuter trains, so I am not unfamiliar with the sensation.  This train is made for long distance travel… it is a much quieter ride than what Metra offers (Chicagoland).  Plenty of leg room too.  From where I sit, more than 10 cars from the engine, the train whistle is a low hum.  As I write this I am looking out over vineyards and farm fields at Lake Erie, which is not far, as this train is called “The Lake Shore Limited” –it runs close along the shore, sometimes within a thousand feet, or so, but never far from view. 

My 9 year old self never would have believed this…. I am on a long distance rail trip to attend a memorial celebration and the dedication of a memorial bench honoring David Cassidy.  I can remember tuning in, every week, to watch The Partridge Family.  And I have said that as long as I have David Cassidy’s Cherish album I have what I need.  I love those songs, and the mere sight of the titles puts the music and David’s voice in my head.

Here I am, on my way to a memorial weekend private gathering of fans in remembrance of and celebrating David Cassidy.  We gather in Saratoga Springs, New York, where David had a home and where was involved in horse racing at Saratoga Springs Race Track.  David loved horses and was involved in the horse racing world.  Here at the National Museum of (Horse) Racing, on Thursday, May 17, 2018 a pair of benches honoring David Cassidy were unveiled. One bench is through the efforts of people in horse racing who knew David,..the other bench is the result of a campaign begun by a woman who may have loved David longer than any other fan… a woman I will meet for the first time tomorrow…. Perhaps I will write an addendum to this blog, or another blog about this weekend. (stay tuned folks)

At least 40 of us, fans of David Cassidy, will gather together to celebrate this wonderful, beautiful man. There will be a Mass at The Church of Saint Peter on Saturday afternoon, and on Sunday the National Museum of Racing will open its doors for free for 2 hours, to allow David Cassidy’s fan to view the museum and to enter the courtyard where the memorial benches are on display.  And later there will be a (public) musical remembrance celebration of David Cassidy’s music at a local restaurant. 

I the years between (since The Partridge Family ended) I have frequently gone back for another listen, to my Partridge Family albums and David’s Cherish album.  In the last few months, since David Cassidy died, I have woken many mornings singing one of the many songs I know so well. 
It's One Of Those Nights ..  I Woke Up In Love This Morning

I lost track of David for a while, but any time there was anything about him I would stop to read and to look at the pictures of his sweet smiling face.

I happened to go to Las Vegas in October 2000, and when I looked for a show on my one free night, there was David Cassidy! In his own show, at the Rio Hotel and Casino.  And it was wonderful! David Cassidy loved to sing, and he loved to see faces light up with smiles when he sang.  He was a true entertainer. I can’t help remembering his dad, Jack Cassidy, the times I saw him on any program –his profession was entertainer.  

I thoroughly enjoyed David’s Las Vegas show, which was called “At The Copa” (that’s right: as in CopaCabana, that was more or less the story David told), David was acting when he came on the stage in the guise of an old man.  His voice was not, at first, recognizable, but I knew it had to be him. The story he told that evening, and many more evenings over the course of a year, was of a man who had loved a woman.  And he had followed her throughout her career as a singer. And he still loved her, but tragically she had fallen for another.  All of this was interspersed with songs of the 1900s, a variety of songs…. And, in the end, because he knew what his fans loved, David’s own music. Songs he sang for The Partridge Family as well as several from his own albums.  David Cassidy came down, into the audience and sang for us, and to us. And it was a wonderful evening.

http://www.davidcassidy.com/fansite/TheatrePages/AtTheCopa.html

When news broke that David Cassidy was hospitalized, and that his family was with him, it made me so sad.  He’s going. We held watch on the news services, waiting for word. Praying that somehow David would recover.  I brought my Partridge Family and David Cassidy cds to work to play on the computer. And, like thousands of his fans all over the world, I cried when it was announced that he had passed away. Far. too. young.

Thank you, David, for sharing your beautiful voice with us.

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Are you sleeping my baby?
Just close your eyes and let me run away
Now, don't cha cry
I am leaving my sweet baby
I've been in love with one who's far away
I can't live a lie
I've got something inside of me you know I can't hide
And each day since I left her
She's been on my mind
So take care of yourself and my, my Ricky besides
He's the best friend I had
I guess this is good-bye

Are you weeping my baby?
I let you down but I just cannot stay
I can't live a lie
Now I am leaving my sweet baby
I got my ticket, it won't pass me by
I can't live a lie

I've got something inside of me you know I can't hide
And each day since I left her
She's been on my mind
So take care of yourself and my, my Ricky besides
He's the best friend I had
I guess this is good-bye
This is good bye

--Ricky’s Tune, David Cassidy, 1972

Ricky's Tune

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At the National Museum of Racing, Saratoga Springs, New York.

Saratoga Springs, New York was David Cassidy's favorite place on Earth.

Thank You Susan S. Cox for loving David Cassidy enough to make this memorial a reality.

Thank You Susan S. Cox and Linda de Ambrosio, for all you have done to make this weekend a true celebration of the life and music of David Cassidy.