bugs in the flour...and other foods....

Let's say it is the mid-1970s.... we are in a suburban, ranch-style home,... near Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.  It is summer time.  My niece, three weeks younger than I, is staying with us.  Gail Ann.  We watch Sesame Street several times a day,...it is on every 3 hours, more or less.... all day until evening. We ride bikes, and at some point for a week or longer, we go on a trip to visit relatives, and we go sightseeing.  That is all neither here, nor there, this story is about macaroni and cheese. 

At some point, previous to Gails arrival, we have discovered that there are some kind of bugs in flour and noodle products in our pantry.  The conversation with my mother was this:

"MOM! There are bugs in the flour! gross!!!"

"Oh dear. It's protein, just use it anyway." and some story about being a kid in the Depression.....eating whatever was available, because their dad was a farmer,...endless meals of turnips, some such,... (lima beans may have been mentioned).

and me thinking: 'is she kidding!?'

The flour was thrown into the trash.  That was all.  

Back to lunch: 

So, our second viewing of Sesame Street drawing to a close, and we were hungry, Gail and I.

"What can we eat?"

"Macaroni and cheese!"

"Cool."

and off we go to the pantry. .... We set a kettle of water to boil, and opened the mac and cheese package.  

"What is that!?"

I look into the box,.... "it's a flour bug."

Gail: "What do we do?"

So, I tell her the story about my mom saying that it's okay to eat it anyway, because the bugs are protein and they won't hurt us. 

"So, it's okay. Right?" 

Gail nods in assent, and we proceed to boil the noodles and bugs.... and add the butter, milk, and cheese powder, ....and stir that up real good.

And we dish it out, each taking a large portion into our bowls.  We head off to the living room to eat our mac and cheese.... and, looking at each other, we both put a spoonful of macaroni and cheese into our mouths....

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and spit it out again!! 

"OH! Gross!!! I cannot eat this! It has BUGS in it." We both proclaim,... and into the trash that mac and cheese goes....

Later, when we tell her about all of this, my Mother just smiles at us and walks away.....

I never did find out if she was serious about us actually eating the bugs....

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1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12..... 

Lord, I do miss Sesame Street as it was back then...........

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Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get?
How to get to Sesame Street

Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet
Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street

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in the heat of summer......

summers of my childhood, punctuated by the intonation of my best friend's ancient grandfather..... "well........welll......welll......." and that was all he ever said....

standing under what us kids called “the cigar tree” out near the road….. in the summer heat.

Catalpa (We called it "the cigar tree".)

everything in the yards is green and alive… birds sing and flutter about… it’s quiet, the only sound the wind soughing through the leaves of the many trees… a lot of oaks and maples….

The far off sound of the lake, waves lapping at the seawalls, around the piers, boats slap slapping as the waves fall away.  A boat tap, tapping, as it rocks gently against the dock.

Later we’ll go slide down the hill and sneak into the boathouse...there’s coke in the fridge, and we can share a bottle, if we can get the bottle cap off.  Then we’ll climb the steps and go out back and swing on the swings until dinner time.  Or, if it’s hot enough, we’ll get mom to fill the kiddie pool so we can splash in the water. 

And we can eat popsicles from the little store at the end of the road.

The catfish are biting,..guess what's for dinner..............

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Summer Days.....

this would amount to a memory my dad would appreciate....

Hot flashes, handkerchiefs, and fasting

I may be losing my mind. Five doctors later they are still trying to give me antidepressants, and I will always resist. The side effects alone will make you crazy.

See what I am saying? When I saw "strange dreams" I started to laugh. "Increased sweating" made me LAUGH OUT LOUD.... then my laugh became hysterical, loud, laughter,... out loud, where I could be heard by others.... Indeed.  I emailed my doctor: "I already have these symptoms, give me something else." 

Yeah, and by the way, I am NOT depressed. I am facing some harsh realities of life, that is all.... my problem is hot flashes (best described as 1,000 degrees). Not depression. But along the way, through the five doctors, and I have had other health issues and complaints, and every single one of these doctors has tried to give me anti-depressant medications.  But I digress......

Anyway, that is a NO to the antidepressants,... no "soma" for this woman.  

The Use of Soma to control society.....

I will not march, with the mindless masses, like lemmings off the edge of the cliff.  I have never been a follower.

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Anyway,....the best thing I have this year was to purchase some handkerchiefs.... mens hankies, in a package of multiples.... 13 handkerchiefs.  For the hot flashes,... because I am here to testify that you go from dry to soaking wet in 2.3 seconds.  I have stood at the counter of a convenience store while the clerk watched, amazed, as I went from dry to dripping quite rapidly.  I think I terrified him. (**smile)  Anyway, yes handkerchiefs, because bandanas are a bit flamboyant, and I ain't that eccentric...yet.  So, you may observe me, extracting a white handkerchief from my cleavage (what else is that space for?) and dabbing my forehead, eyes, and temples.... because that is preferable to the uncomfortable feeling of dripping sweat. 

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I have also found that I have some new habits that were neither planned, nor thought out,.... like fasting.  What I was trying to do was the keto diet (I wrote a blog about it a few months back)... and I failed at that.  But I have been trying to lose weight for a long time, and I am stubborn.  The result of all of this effort, the keto diet, and quitting most sugar intake, is that I have taught myself to pay more attention to whether my stomach wants to be fed. (Less attention to what my brain says would be good to eat.)  And I have stopped looking at the clock to tell if it is meal time.  

The result of this is that I eat small-ish snacks mostly between 6:00am and 2:00pm.  And perhaps a very light snack at 7:00pm.  I have reduced food intake to better match what is a mainly sedentary lifestyle.  I walk about a mile a day -to and from my car at work (in a very large manufacturing facility).... and climbing stairs, 13 steps about 14 to 18 times a day.  

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The other new habit is not a choice either, but when I sleep -I sleep like the dead. NOTHING wakes me up during the first 5 or 6 hours of sleep.  Thunder and lightning? nothing. The aforementioned hot flashes? nope.  My dreams are still crazy (see "strange dreams" above in the 'side effects' bit)..... my dreams, every night, would be nightmares for the majority of people.  But again, I digress..... Probably you could drown me in my sleep (wet from hot flashes made me think of this) and I would not waken....  If I knew my neighbors I would apologize for the morning alarm (at 3:45am) that gradually increases in volume until it wakes me up; except for the nights (mornings?) that I wake before the alarm sounds.  

One more thing: the early hour of the alarm notwithstanding: I HATE MORNING.  It does not matter if my morning begins at 3:45am or 10:00am --I will always HATE MORNING. have always hated morning....


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I want a new drug....

it's just song lyrics: I DO NOT want a drug at all.

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June is Alzheimer's month,... (I know something about this disease.)

Alzheimer's Disease. It's devastating. You do not want to witness this... a loved one, slipping away, slowly.  Watching someone lose the present,... they have only the past....  No one wants to be the person slipping away. 

Only a few,...the lucky ones, (is luck the right thing to call it?) they manage to not slip away entirely.... they remain present, and sadly aware of what is happening to them. Until....  they let go....  but remain in some kind of stunted reality.

I have seen those who cannot keep hold of reality.  I have listened to them. It is terrifying.... some seem to be trapped in a frightening and somewhat traumatic memory.  Reliving a nightmare over and over,...endlessly ranting.  Some rant themselves into a frenzy,...others simply repeat a scenario,....like they are rehearsing one part of a conversation, without the other side being heard from. Still others sit silent, seemingly mute.

My own mother. She held on to reality with all her might.  She kept it! she had that small victory, if it can be called that.  She asked what day it was,..she recognized time,..she understood where she was,... she knew the people she needed to know. A daughter, a friend, some nieces, stepdaughters, nephews,... the spouses of a few relatives.... her son.  Once or twice she got some relationships confused....   She was in a care facility.  I will not call it a nursing home,..they cared for this woman. They cared.

She told me that a "strange man" visited her.  That was a puzzlement for me.  He had not signed her calendar, so I had to figure it out with her. I asked her questions.... I stopped, I changed the subject, still thinking in my head: "who is a 'strange' man"..... finally it came to me,.... "Did the 'strange' man sing to you?"  
--"yes," she replied, "he was singing when he came into the room." she pointed to the door.
"That was Pastor B.!" I laughed, and she said, "Yes, that is who it was."  

But she was leaving. Ever so slowly, she was going away.  She could tell you anything you wanted to know about the past.... the longer ago, the clearer her memory seemed.


She lived at the care facility for longer than 2 years.  No, she did not want to be there, but she had agreed -- she needed to have more care than could be given in our home.  I could not be with her enough of the day, and I could not quit my job.  But every week I went, every Friday all day at first,... later every Saturday through lunch time.  I had to stay through lunch... the aide always came and asked me to stay through lunch,... broccoli - I was the only person who could get the woman to eat her broccoli..... (It still makes me chuckle.)

What I want to say is: Don't leave them! don't leave them alone.  Visit them regularly.  Find others to visit them too.  They need not stay long.  But it is a sad fact that people in nursing homes do not get enough visitors.  Please visit them.  Read them a story,... tell them a joke,.... ask them about some event from their past.  Engage. Engage.

This was what mother lived for.... the engagement she knew would come each and every week. 
The one time I could not visit her, I called everyone I knew would try.... and ALL of them visited her that weekend. Katherine. Jane. Bernie. Linda. other nieces,... her friends.... she missed her Sunday afternoon nap, because she was busy with visitors.  The next time I was going to miss the visit.... 
.... she went home with God's Angels the Wednesday before..... 


If you know someone with Alzheimer's Disease... visit them.... you needn't stay long. Just say their name to them. Just say, "Hello. I think of you. I know that you are here. I care."

just visit them

People talk. (brain damage/eclipse)

People talk.
They say things about "crazy" people.
Those who know a soul suffering from mental illness keep quiet.
Someone I love is suffering.
I am suffering.

I have screamed into the void.
And the void has remained silent.
I am all alone.
Those who are geographically near are deaf to pleas.
Few even try to help. Help. Help. Help.

Bereft.
Adrift.
Alone.
Darkness.
Silence.

you cannot know the depth of it

i am no longer able to be social

i have lost the ability to interact

interaction makes me so sad



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Wish You Were Here

Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
And how we found
The same old fears
Wish you were here

Songwriters: David Gilmour / Roger Waters

Wish You Were Here lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management US, LLC, Imagem Music Inc

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Dark Side Of The Moon

wikipedia: The_Dark_Side_of_the_Moon

I have become comfortably numb..........



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Brain Damage/Eclipse..... Pink Floy




"Brain Damage"

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path
The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon
The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

"I can't think of anything to say except...
I think it's marvellous! HaHaHa!"

written by Roger Waters

wikipedia: Brain_Damage_(song)  from the Pink Floyd album Dark Side Of The Moon





i might go away for a while.....


maybe i'll come home in the spring........








you do not understand.
it is all right. it's okay.
not to worry.



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