Writer brain (1)

This has to do with where your imagination can go if you think too much and are a fan of television programs like Criminal Minds.

A couple of years ago I lived in a second floor apartment, with a door at ground level, at the bottom of a staircase.  There was a totally useless peephole in the door, could not see a darn thing through it. So,.... one day my doorbell rang.  I am not normally one to even answer the door.  If I don't know you are coming over, well, to be blunt, if you can't call ahead don't bother to ring my doorbell.  I am either not home or not dressed for company or even door answering for that matter. But I digress,...

My doorbell rang.  I was still wearing my work clothing.  I opened the door to see who it was.  There, on my doorstep, was a man with long windblown hair, bearded, blue jeans, t-shirt,... anyway, he was holding a note in his hand, showing it to me.  The note read, "My name is Mike. I live in the apartment below yours.  I am deaf.  I want you to know that I have device that allows me to watch television and "feel" the sound.  It may be very loud, so here is my phone number, so that you can text me if the loud noise is bothering you."  Ok.  I spoke slowly and looked directly at him, and said, "ok. thank you."  He said, "ok." in the guttural tones of a deaf person and turned to go.  Ok, whatever, I am good with this.
until......

I start thinking about this, in a Criminal Minds kind of way.....
Maybe this stranger really does not live in the apartment below mine.  Maybe he is some kind of serial killer, and he is trying to be certain that I am a woman, living alone in this apartment, and that I will just open my door any time the doorbell rings. 
Oh no!! He's staking out the complex and choosing victims!  It's right out of an episode of Criminal Minds,...or maybe it was CSI, or Law & Order,....
I just opened my door, like some kind of idiot just asking to be a victim! The kind of people I yell at in the television programs! 

This scraggly looking guy is going to stake out the building now, and watch for me to come home and ring my doorbell!!  Is he a rapist, or an ax-murderer?  a cannibal?  (fava beans and chianti.....)

Yes, my imagination can go wild.... apparently that is called 'writer's brain'.

Sometimes I just feel invisible. When I say to somebody have a good weekend no one responds at all.  Or when I am sitting at a table and someone’s having a conversation and I am trying to join in –but not take over, and they don’t acknowledge my presence at all.  Story of my life…..

It is very difficult for me, when I try to join a conversation that is already in progress.  Too often I feel that those involved are trying to turn their backs on me.  I am never sure if I should approach people who are talking to each other, no matter the circumstance.  And often I feel like I enter a room and everyone else gradually leaves the room until I am left alone.  I never know if they mean to abandon me, but it is very uncomfortable and hurtful to me.  I feel it to the depths of my being.

I have been known to leave a party without saying 'goodbye' to everyone, and no one is sure why I have left.  Well, I will tell you: if I feel shut out, if I feel like I have been left alone -the last person in a room.  If I try to join a conversation and am ignored.  If I am the last to enter a room and there is no place left to sit.

This is not a new condition for me.  I used to go places with my mother and her husband at times.... we would, all three of us, go into a room and start talking to people, those people would gradually leave the room until only the three of us were left.  I would then comment, "we can do this at home", and the three of us would chuckle.  But I always found it hurtful that people left the room.  I still find it uncomfortable, even more so now that I have no one to share that moment with at all.

It makes me feel like a total misfit.  In this way I have always related to the island of misfit toys,... they make me cry out of sympathy and understanding.

I love my uniqueness and have always been proud to be different, but it is a very lonely place sometimes, even in a house full of people.

It is both a blessing and a curse, to feel everything so deeply.

all we are is dust in the wind

I feel the winds of change starting to blow.  I am not altogether sure if it is for me that they blow.

I have particularly noticed postings on Facebook these past couple of days.

I have lately been experiencing malaise.  This feeling of being out of sorts with myself and my surroundings has apparently been coming on for a while now.

Today I saw angels in the clouds too, but the photos did not turn out. ..  ..  I have no plan to make a change, so I am curious as to what may come my way in the near future.

This has led me to do a little research, which was enjoyable, if not fruitful.  My theme was winds of change or blowing in the wind.  So naturally I have perused the lyrics of Bob Dylan’s song Blowin’ in the Wind,…. and then Kansas’ Dust in the Wind.  And I watched a video segment of the Mary Poppins flying nannies scene.  Wistful and amusing, in that order.  

Of course there are things I would like to change, but I feel powerless to make major life changes when to do so would be a huge gamble at this point.  Therefore, I will not enumerate the things I would like to change here.  It does make me think about how everyone would probably make some real changes, had we the real freedom to do so.  Lifestyles, dwellings, professions….. there are some areas where changing things would create difficulties that are beyond our ability to regain control of.

I also believe that God is leading me towards something…. Something or someplace that I am supposed to eventually be, hopefully doing good or gaining the ability to help someone or a group of persons.

In saying all of this I am thinking of a particular phrase that has recently come into my consciousness, which is very powerful for me:  You can DO it!  Spoken with the right inflection this gives me a feeling of power over at least something in my life.  A second phrase that holds import would be:  You have to want it. These two short phrases,…if only more people could use them, so much might be accomplished, both on a personal level and, in some cases, on a professional level.  I wish that I could plant these phrases in more places, so that, just maybe, more people could feel that feeling of  “yes! I CAN do it!”  

Anyway, I am waiting, somewhat impatiently now, to find out what these “winds of change” may bring.

Exciting things-- good things, I hope and pray.

__________________________

______________________

____________________

_________________

"Dust In The Wind"   Kansas

I close my eyes only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind
Now, don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind (all we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind (everything is dust in the wind), everything is dust in the wind (the wind)

______________________________

_________________________

"Blowin' In The Wind"    Bob Dylan

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Yes, how many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, how many times can a man turn his head
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Yes, how many times must a man look up
Before he can really see the sky?
Yes, how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Loss of a loved one....

Loss.  Loss of a loved one, or even a acquaintance,… well it can hit you hard.  And it hits you “where you live”, because we all know that we’re going to die.  Some choose not to think about death, as if denying it’s very existence will somehow stave it off.  Some won’t talk about death for the same reason, as if mentioning the words will bring it closer.

There are people we don’t want to lose.   Children, of course, because they are supposed to outlive their parents, and it is immeasurably heartbreaking to lose a child. 

We do not want to lose our parents, perhaps too much.  The Bible teaches us that God commands to “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother”, but that should not be worship of the parents.  Worship of the parents is akin to idolatry, which there is a Commandment regarding also: “Thou shalt Not worship false idols”.  My Mother always said to me, “do not worship your parents. They are not perfect.”  (to which my reply was a smirk and “no worries there.”)  But seriously, people feel the loss of a parent very deeply.

My Father died just a few weeks before my tenth birthday.  I had not seen him for weeks, because he was in the hospital and they did not allow visitors under the age of 15.  That hurt me very deeply and has affected my entire life in ways that I cannot begin to explain and I will not try because they are very personal feelings for me.  

My Mother lived with me, in my home, for 12 years. At that point she was not able to take care of herself and had to go live in a nursing home.  She lived for another two and a half years.  (I strongly believe that had I kept her at home she would have been gone within weeks.)  She was well cared for, had friends, and was kept on her meds.  She passed peacefully, with a little smile on her face.  I know that the angels took her.  Her attitude was always “when God is ready for me He will take me” , and that acceptance on her part made her death so much gentler for me.

So, back to loss….  There have been a few people whose loss I have felt very deeply.  One or two were blood relations and one or two were not.  These are the people whose deaths touched me to my depth, because they were the ones who treated me kindly, or as an adult when I was not, and they were the best examples I have known of the good that can be found amongst humanity. 

  Like the Reader’s Digest Most Memorable Character, if you will….here are mine:

V. She was the mother of one of my first boyfriends.  She was kind and wise, and always there when I needed to talk to someone kind and wise.  She had a few children, and had learned some things about people from raising her family.  She knew to get people to talk to one another to work out differences, that was a way to keep peace in her home.  When I learned that she had cancer and was in hospice care I cried for an entire day.  Then I made for her a mix tape of hymns and of rock ‘n roll tunes that were of a hymnal bent.  I delivered the mix tape to her in person.  Later I attended her funeral, and wept some more.  V, I will never, ever forget you.

B. The wife of one of my cousins.  I spent some time at their home when I was about 12 years old, and she was just the sweetest woman.  Never had a bad word to say about anything.  I was mostly occupied playing games with her youngest daughter, but I have lovely memories of feeling safe and comfortable and cared for in that home.

J.D.  He was a teacher.  My seventh grade Spanish teacher.   Many of us liked to hang with him on the playground at lunch time, when he was a playground monitor.  His class was set up as self-study part of the time, and he played old 45’s while we studied.  I did not learn much Spanish, much to his chagrin, but I loved his class.  He took a small group of us on a trip to Mexico.  J.D.,  his wife, and another teacher and 15 twelve year old kids.  We had a blast.  I stayed friends with J.D. for the rest of his life, and visited his home in Las Vegas about 3 years before his death.  I think of him often and always will. 

V.S.W. she was my cousin.  I spent weeks at her house in the summers of my youth, from approximately ages 11 to 15, watching her daughter who was a few years younger than me.  Not really babysitting, because this girl was very easy to get along with.  But V.S.W. was a very nice person, who would go out of her way to help a relative.  She spent  time with my Mother, her Aunt, and it was very special to my Mother, so I do cherish the memory of V.S.W. very much.

Of course there were other people who were important to me, but these are the ones I think of most often, in my day to day life.   The feeling of loss never fully goes away.

Loss is hard.  We need to gather together in some fashion to remember the person soon after their death, and this is especially important if it was someone we loved.  I have seen a phrase that I really like and that motivates me to think of those I have lost who were so very important to me and it goes something like this:  A person is never really gone as long as someone speaks their name out loud.  I subscribe to that idea in that I believe that our loved ones do live on, in our hearts, and in the stories we can tell about the people who are no longer among us.  It is an important thing to remember those loved ones, to share our stories, it helps us, and who doesn't believe that our loved ones who have passed on want us to share their story, to keep their memory alive.

This writing comes about on a day when I have read two separate postings on Facebook by acquaintances of mine who have learned that a friend died today.  And, for me, only months after a dear friend passed into the next realm.  I will always miss you Lisa. ©

May those I have loved and lost watch over us who loved them, and Rest in Eternal Peace.

Atlanta, Georgia's Big Snow of January 2014

(please note that my co-worker and I were also in Atlanta for 

the Big Snow of January 11, 2011)

We started the day in Tucker, GA –east side of Atlanta, our job was just inside the Perimeter aka I-285, which is the perimeter road that goes all the way around the city.  In the late morning we drove about 85 miles to the East on I-20, and around 12:30pm it started to rain, but it was freezing rain, which is to say that the sound was like large grains of sand hitting the wind shield, but little moisture appeared on the glass.  The freezing rain continued in that area for the next 2 or 3 hours. 

On our way back to Tucker, when we reached the Lithonia area, still on I-20 the rain turned to snow.  It was impressive in that it reduced visibility, but not really significant as the snowflakes were tiny.

We dropped off the hearing truck in Tucker and got on I-285.  And the adventure began….   Traffic was light, and it was easily possible to go as fast as 40mph.  So we made good time for about 5 minutes, and then we came to the backed up traffic.  Apparently there was either an accident or a breakdown (or both) about 5 miles ahead of our location.  The Google GPS in my phone showed symbols for accidents and breakdowns.   Traffic barely moved for the next hour and a half.

(photo from WSB Facebook page 01/28/2014)

I believe that the main problem is that so many of the locals are afraid to go more than 2mph – I am NOT exaggerating that at all!!!  I passed a great many people who were barely moving.   In my opinion that is just plain stupid, because, with the proper following distance I could so easily go 25 to 30 without sliding.  Another problem is that there a lot of hills and a lot of idiots who just stand on the accelerator and they wonder why they can’t get traction on the ice.  On a side street --it must have really freaked them out that I just slalomed on through with no traction problem at all.  It was only after we decided to turn around and go back that those who could not get traction were getting to the top of the hill.

We proceeded to the other side of the highway and there found La Botana Tex Mex Restaurant and decided to have dinner –and use the ‘facilities’.  We had been on the road for 2 -1/2 hours and had traveled 8.7 miles from our starting point in Tucker.

A particular annoyance during all of this was people who kept their hazard lights flashing.  It was hard to know if they were moving or not.  We started to just call them the “stupid people”.  It does no good at all to keep your hazard lights flashing in a situation such as this, it confuses and annoys others.

We spent over an hour on a ramp, waiting to get back onto 285.  This is where we started to see people walking.  They were coming up the ramp from the highway.  A man with a backpack, who stopped and talked to someone in a car ahead of us.  A lady carrying a bundle that proved to be a small child, with a blanket over it’s head and a tiny pair of booted feet dangling out the bottom.  A man and woman, who later returned with 3 children over the age of 7 (I am guessing because of the size of the children compared to the adults.)  this little group was later seen, by us, walking up a different ramp exiting the highway.  All the while we noticed the random school bus, and I prayed that there were not children in those school buses, but according to the radio there were , in fact, a great many children still on school busses that could not reach their destinations.  We also heard on the radio (WSB talk radio) that there were children who never left school and were spending the night, along with the school’s staff as no one could get home anyway.

                                            (photo from WSB Facebook page 01/28/2014)

By 12:50 am we had again been sitting in traffic for another 3+ hours,… and we had not gone more than 11 miles from our starting point in Tucker.  I had spent over an hour watching an ambulance, first just the reflection of the flashing lights off of other vehicles behind us, and then it passed us and wove on through the traffic until it finally came to a standstill, as it appeared had all of the traffic ahead of us.  By luck we were just before an exit ramp.  We decided to get off of 285 and look for a bathroom.  

After a few blocks on Roswell Road NE in the Sandy Springs area we did find a McDonald’s.  The parking lot was full, some cars empty and others with engines running and McDonald’s food wrappers on dashboards, but there was a sign on the McDonald’s door that stated that only the drive up was open, so we got back on the road. 

At this point we had decided to not bother trying to go back to 285, as there was a long line of cars waiting to do just that.  We went in the opposite direction—away from 285, with no other traffic at all.  My co-worker used his gps to find a route for us to take.  We followed Johnson Ferry Road NE in a north-westerly direction.  Until we saw the police officer….. On Johnson Ferry Road Northwest near Riverside Drive Northwest - ICE covered roadway – uphill like a 6% grade –very steep uphill….. the police officer directed us to drive North in the Southbound lanes.  The Northbound lanes were filled with apparently abandoned cars.   It was a tense few minutes trying to get up the steep grade without letting the car come to a stop in a line of cars –not easy at all.  There was a lady in a Volkswagen Beetle who more of less led the charge, real gutsy lady.  At the top of the incline there were more cars that were stuck, and there was someone with a large pickup truck, who we guessed was going to try to get some of those stuck vehicles moving again.

We proceeded in a Northerly direction until we found an open gas station/convenience store. There were restrooms, and some folks who were interested to hear of our adventure of the previous 8 hours. They advised us to continue Northward to Roswell Road NE.  That is what we did.

Once on Roswell Road we proceeded at a reasonable pace of about 25mph on very slick roads.  There were abandoned cars everywhere, some still in the roadway, left wherever the drivers became too afraid to proceed.

On Roswell Road NE between  Robinson Rd NE and N Marietta Parkway NE heading towards N Marietta Pkwy, there is a rather steep downhill again like a 6% grade.  ICE covered roadway. There traffic was just at a complete standstill, with a garbage “scow” big truck at an angle blocking two lanes.  I was able to drive down the steep grade, with my foot on the brakes most of the way down.  We slid just a little bit and I aimed for where dry pavement could be seen, and the minivan stopped.  Then I was able to proceed, simply by taking my foot off the brake pedal, to the bottom of the hill and make a right turn onto N Marietta Parkway NE.  This road was completely deserted and dark, with only abandoned cars lining the side of the road, side by side by side, all parked at an angle.  I was able to go 35 mph, with no obstructions or inclines.

At approximately 1:45am we entered a nearly deserted Interstate 75.  There was a light snow covering on most of the roadway, with some pavement showing through where previous travelers had made it through.   On I-75 it was possible to go 40 to 45 mph.  Along the way, I am guessing it was the Kennesaw area, there was a traffic backup on the Southbound lanes that went on for 8 miles! 
They were parked for the night.....  Cars, some abandoned, semi’s, and all kinds of other vehichles.

The farther North I drove the better the condition of the roads, and by Cartersville I was able to go 55mph.  At about 4:45am we pulled into McDonald’s in Dalton, Georgia.

After that the roads were clear, very little snow or ice, and by the other side of Monteagle no snow or ice on the roads at all.  The rest of the trip was uneventful.  It took us 24 hours to travel approximately 815 miles, but we finally made it back to Rockford, Illinois –sunshine and about 20 degrees.

                                             abandoned cars near Roswell, GA 01/29/2014
                                                               --the day after the storm


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My post to the WSB Facebook page:  we are from northern Illinois, and we listened to your informative programming Tuesday night. we were on 285 for 9 hours ..out of Tucker, trying to get to I-75 north. I don't know where we got off the interstate, but that's when the fun began. on some ferry road, south of Roswell-- over the hills. lots of fun driving up steep, ice-coated hills. made our way up to Roswell Rd, headed west toward I-75. more ice coated hills. the last hill ..down to Marietta Hwy was a. real doozy!!
but we are from the North, and we know "how it's done"; got around all the stopped cars and made it down. got on I-75 ok. saw a 8 mile southbound stretch packed full of stopped vehicles. there must be 1,000s of abandoned vehicles on the north end of Atlanta-- all over the roads, and in the breakdown lanes. anyway, we made it Tucker to Dalton in 13 hours. made it out alive....   (from my Galaxy III, blah, blah, blah)
==============================================+++++++++++++++==================

HEY ATLANTA!  THIS IS A SNOW REMOVAL PLAN:

_____________________________________________________________________

this pretty well sums up our exit from Atlanta....

__________________________________________________________________________

and:

My feet get cold in the winter time.....

What is it about the dead of winter, and winter has barely begun, that makes one feel so very alone and melancholy? perhaps all this talk of gatherings, and meals shared,.... and it makes my mere existence feel so much more solitary. sadly, singularly alone. and no one to share anything with, just alone. all. the. time.

Make no mistake, I am very grateful to be included in my ‘peeps’ holidays:  Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter,..the occasional other odd event: birthdays and such.  I thank them from the bottom of my heart.  I am grateful and touched that you all include me.  You are generous beyond measure simply for including me and making me feel welcome.

That said, I am beset with an overwhelming feeling of aloneness. 

Singular

adjective

exceptionally good or great; remarkable.

synonyms:	remarkable, extraordinary, exceptional, outstanding, signal, notable,noteworthy; More strante or eccentric in some respect.
synonyms:		strange, unusual, odd, peculiar, funny, curious, extraordinary, bizarre, eccentric, weird, queer, unexpected, unfamiliar, abnormal, atypical,unconventional, out of the ordinary, untypical, puzzling, mysterious,perplexing, baffling,

See also: distasteful, or odd:

adjective

different from what is usual or expected; strange.

synonyms:		strange, peculiar, weird, queer, funny, bizarre, abnormal, eccentric,unusual,  unconventional, outlandish, quirky, zany;

happening or occurring infrequently and irregularly; occasional.

synonyms:		occasional, casual, irregular, isolated, random, sporadic, periodic;

spare; unoccupied.

synonyms:

spare, free, available, unoccupied;

separated from a usual pair or set and therefore out of place or mismatched.

synonyms:

mismatched, unmatched, unpaired;

Now, do not get me wrong, I not only like being considered different, eccentric, and unconventional, I embrace that part of who I am.  I am proud to be an example to girls or young women of the reality that a woman can live without another.  Strong and free.  “I am woman, hear me roar…”  HELL YEAH.

But being almost constantly alone, having no real friend to spend face time with…..  it is more than a human being can bear.

Since I am alone so much of the time I have plenty of time to contemplate this alone-ness.  It comes to me quickly, whenever I am ‘included’ in a group, no matter where amongst them I sit, I am still all alone.  Everyone seems to be ‘in progress’ in some conversation or other and I am on the periphery, no matter who invited me, no matter who else is without partner. 

I am the wanderer.  I am renegade.  I am the midnight rider.  Desperado. … Cast out, disincluded, disassociated.

You are born alone and you die alone, and if you are very lucky you spend the time between those two events surrounded by people who love and support you.  If you are not lucky…….

Equations for these physical theories predict that the ball of mass of some quantity becomes infinite or increases without limit.

ALONE. 


The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine 
It's hard to tell the night time from the day 
You're losin' all your highs and lows 
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away? 

all feelings go away....


(The Eagles. Desperado. 1973)

taking a sabbatical....

wow, hard to believe that I have not blogged in a month!
I have been training new employees, which entails traveling quite a bit. My creativity gets funneled into training activities and the writing of instructions.  So, while I still have moments of inspiration, I am so focused on training that other things do not get done.  And, on the weekends, I have been focused on seeing and doing things here -in the area where we are working.  In this case it is New England, where, in the past, I have been 'feet on the ground' before, but not as a tourist.  So, I have been taking this opportunity to be a part-time tourist on the weekends.  I have not actively sought the most popular of tourist attractions, but that is just me! I have never really followed the crowd, but all my life I have done my "own thing", and that is what my tourism on this trip has been.
If you are my friend on Facebook, and you have paid attention to the photos I have shared, then you already know that I have been to the Lizzie Borden Home and Museum in Fall River Massachusetts.  I have been to Providence, Rhode Island --thusly eliminating from my list the last remaining U.S. state East of the Mississippi that I had not visited.  (There are only 8 U.S. states that I have yet to visit.)  I have added to my list of major airports Logan Airport in Boston, and was there on the day of the fuel tank fire, which extended my already long day by another hour (and I am grateful that was the length of the delay!).  Later I spent 4 days in Kennebunk, Maine and the surrounding area, including a couple of hours at the Rachel Carson Wildlife Refuge walking in the woods.  I ate wonderfully delicious gluten free pizza at Duffy's Tavern, not once but 2 days in a row, with wonderful Omission gluten free beer.  I drove the Ocean Avenue route at Kennebunkport, and went out to Twin Lighthouses state park near Portland, Maine.
The following weekend I headed down to Gloucester, Massachusetts to see the Fisherman's Memorial park, and see the names of those lost at sea, including the crew of the Andrea Gail (subject of the film The Perfect Storm), found The Crow's Nest, and had a wonderful gluten free breakfast at Mamie's Kitchen on Pleasant Street in Gloucester.  Then, intending to follow roads along the coast, I happened upon Hammond "Castle" museum, which was the home of an interesting, eccentric named John Hammond, Jr. who is considered the "father" of radio control.  From there I headed over to Marblehead Neck, and then wandered around a bit on the way back to my hotel. (Walmarts are few and far between in this area!)
That sums up my tourist activity for September 2013.

So, that's what i have been up to instead of creative blogging.