Sometimes I just feel invisible. When I say to somebody have a good weekend no one responds at all.  Or when I am sitting at a table and someone’s having a conversation and I am trying to join in –but not take over, and they don’t acknowledge my presence at all.  Story of my life…..

It is very difficult for me, when I try to join a conversation that is already in progress.  Too often I feel that those involved are trying to turn their backs on me.  I am never sure if I should approach people who are talking to each other, no matter the circumstance.  And often I feel like I enter a room and everyone else gradually leaves the room until I am left alone.  I never know if they mean to abandon me, but it is very uncomfortable and hurtful to me.  I feel it to the depths of my being.

I have been known to leave a party without saying 'goodbye' to everyone, and no one is sure why I have left.  Well, I will tell you: if I feel shut out, if I feel like I have been left alone -the last person in a room.  If I try to join a conversation and am ignored.  If I am the last to enter a room and there is no place left to sit.

This is not a new condition for me.  I used to go places with my mother and her husband at times.... we would, all three of us, go into a room and start talking to people, those people would gradually leave the room until only the three of us were left.  I would then comment, "we can do this at home", and the three of us would chuckle.  But I always found it hurtful that people left the room.  I still find it uncomfortable, even more so now that I have no one to share that moment with at all.

It makes me feel like a total misfit.  In this way I have always related to the island of misfit toys,... they make me cry out of sympathy and understanding.

I love my uniqueness and have always been proud to be different, but it is a very lonely place sometimes, even in a house full of people.

It is both a blessing and a curse, to feel everything so deeply.

all we are is dust in the wind

I feel the winds of change starting to blow.  I am not altogether sure if it is for me that they blow.

I have particularly noticed postings on Facebook these past couple of days.

I have lately been experiencing malaise.  This feeling of being out of sorts with myself and my surroundings has apparently been coming on for a while now.

Today I saw angels in the clouds too, but the photos did not turn out. ..  ..  I have no plan to make a change, so I am curious as to what may come my way in the near future.

This has led me to do a little research, which was enjoyable, if not fruitful.  My theme was winds of change or blowing in the wind.  So naturally I have perused the lyrics of Bob Dylan’s song Blowin’ in the Wind,…. and then Kansas’ Dust in the Wind.  And I watched a video segment of the Mary Poppins flying nannies scene.  Wistful and amusing, in that order.  

Of course there are things I would like to change, but I feel powerless to make major life changes when to do so would be a huge gamble at this point.  Therefore, I will not enumerate the things I would like to change here.  It does make me think about how everyone would probably make some real changes, had we the real freedom to do so.  Lifestyles, dwellings, professions….. there are some areas where changing things would create difficulties that are beyond our ability to regain control of.

I also believe that God is leading me towards something…. Something or someplace that I am supposed to eventually be, hopefully doing good or gaining the ability to help someone or a group of persons.

In saying all of this I am thinking of a particular phrase that has recently come into my consciousness, which is very powerful for me:  You can DO it!  Spoken with the right inflection this gives me a feeling of power over at least something in my life.  A second phrase that holds import would be:  You have to want it. These two short phrases,…if only more people could use them, so much might be accomplished, both on a personal level and, in some cases, on a professional level.  I wish that I could plant these phrases in more places, so that, just maybe, more people could feel that feeling of  “yes! I CAN do it!”  

Anyway, I am waiting, somewhat impatiently now, to find out what these “winds of change” may bring.

Exciting things-- good things, I hope and pray.

__________________________

______________________

____________________

_________________

"Dust In The Wind"   Kansas

I close my eyes only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind
Now, don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind (all we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind (everything is dust in the wind), everything is dust in the wind (the wind)

______________________________

_________________________

"Blowin' In The Wind"    Bob Dylan

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Yes, how many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, how many times can a man turn his head
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Yes, how many times must a man look up
Before he can really see the sky?
Yes, how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.