questioning existence

it's disconcerting
to realize that the only reason
that i was born was so that she would never have to be alone

that my purpose was her 
her companion and caretaker

she's gone now 14 years
why am i still here
purposeless

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a life sentence

last born
youngest
only child

outcast
younger by too many years

alone
solitary

parental caretaker
a lonely life
life sentenced
to solitary existence

watching 7 billion people
destroy each other

this is hell.

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the power of the wave

three years old

she watches a man walk into the waves

she thinks she can do exactly what the man did

the wave tumbles her over and over

mother lifts her from the surf

three years old

very angry and crying

she does not understand the power of water

she will never forget the power of the wave.

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A prayer for those who were damaged or traumatized in childhood.

A prayer for anyone who was damaged or traumatized in childhood.

abuse is not necessarily physical

sometimes words or actions do lasting damage
some things never leave us

all of the dolls that were put up on a high shelf so that little girl would not ruin their hair
the haircut that was far too short, and the child didn't want the hair cut
the parent did not explain their actions
the actions of the parent tore the child's psyche, made it bleed 
permanent damage, loss of trust

the beligerent, drunk parent who shouted hurtful things at the sober parent in the presence of the child
the child fearful that the drunk, beligerent parent would physically harm the sober parent

the dolls and the haircut
the beligerent drunken parent
a child too young to know
a lifetime of damage. loss. hurt. alone.


the child wanted to disappear, it's just easier than dealing with the pain
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50 years ago today (The Man ON the Moon)

"For thousands of years, man had looked to the heavens and dreamed of walking on the moon. On July 20, 1969, as part of the Apollo 11 mission, Neil Armstrong became the very first to accomplish that dream, followed only minutes later by Buzz Aldrin."

space odyssey (the wonder)

I remember. That night. When 'man in the moon' became so much more than just a saying, because there were men on the moon.

I remember my Dad's excitement. He was positively giddy! He tried to tell me that he could actually see Neil Armstrong --the man ON the moon. 9 year-old me pooh-poohed that, because my daddy was not a silly person.

I didn't understand his giddy excitement then.  I do now.  What a amazing thing!  What a wonder! 

You see my dad was born before the Wright brothers flew.  He saw Halley's Comet in 1910.  He drove a Model T Ford when he was 15 years old, he watched the barnstormers fly by.  He listened to programs on the radio, and when those programs moved to television he was one of the first people in that area to own a television set, so he wouldn't miss his programs.

He watched the birth of the modern world as we know it, as he grew up and lived his life. 

The wonder of it all.  He was a simple man.  The wonder overwhelmed him.

and dance by the light of the moon

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she was only a summer friend

generic photo from google images

A summer best friend.

only in the summers of my youth.

Running laughing playing swinging.

Barbie and company took over the house one summer.

After that I have no memories of it.

A beautiful memory of childhood.

the idyll of summer days

long past.

Inseparable partners in crime.

Stealing sips of beer in the boathouse.

Running on the hills in the summer sun.

A friendship that adulthood could not sustain.

Sometimes I think of her still.

That wonderful best friend of my childhood.

I shall miss her always.

In the summer.

Golden Slumbers... once there was a way to get back homeward

we got to get ourselves back to the garden

a garden from my childhood
in my Aunt Mae's large yard
there was an old foundation
of a long forgotten building
not enormous, a shed perhaps

it's remains were an angle, a corner
two low walls, perhaps a foot high
that held the soil in place
for the beautiful garden
near a corner of the property

there Aunt Mae had planted perennial flowers
delphinium, foxglove, zinnias,
aster, iris, larkspur, bleeding heart.... 
so many, a bounty of beautiful color
a place for butterflies and birds 

Woodstock (Back to the Garden) CSNY

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